Faithful Terror

I am ready to get on with some things in life.  I was accepted into the master's degree program at Creighton for Negotiation and Dispute Resolution.  I am very excited about that program and the learning involved.  And I am terrified.  I don't have any concerns about the academic work.  I've already read half the books on the list I've seen as well as lots of others.  I've done similar work in church settings for years.  But I did all that as a different person--a spouse, not a single parent, a pastor with a parish, a person with a community, living in a world where things seemed to be nailed down, where I didn't feel anxiety every time I said hello or good bye to anyone...it's hard to explain.

Now I live with very few things "nailed down."  I love newness, so this is all so exhilirating.  I love learning, so this is all so awesome.  Yet I am negotiating new roles and identities almsot on a daily basis, so I am intimidated in ways I have never before experienced.  I'm not sure I've ever felt more alive.  I am sure I've never felt more uncertain.  It's a combination some people live with all the time--I know that.  But I'm still adjusting.

I haven't worked this hard in a couple of months.  It's good to have some structure in my existence again, but that's another adjustment.  For a while I could say yes to almost any appointment.  Now I have to check a calendar again--a blessing and a curse...

I've completed my Rostered Leader Profile for parish ministry and our bishop has processed it.  I'm hoping for short-term interims or other assignments that may help me ease back into the "saddle."  I'd be glad for some supply preaching opportunities as well.  I know that I can do this work and do it well.  But I am once again terrified.  Who am I in this whole business?  Will I get in front and just fall to pieces?  Probably a few times...am I really ready to do this?  I guess there's only one way to find out.

I couldn't do this without the support and encouragement of my very best friends.  They've helped me to fall in love with my call again, and I am so grateful.  They encourage me to take the risk and to know that stumbling a few times will be all right.  That helps so much.

I also know the things that are nailed down.  I am a beloved child of God, baptized into Christ's death and resurrection.  I have been called by the Holy Spirit into public ministry in the past, and I have no reason to doubt that such a call will come again.  I am sustained by that healing Holy Spirit even when I panic at the thought of returning to preaching and worship leadership.  As one of my friends says over and over, "Time...time...time."  Yes, that's right.  It will come, and I'm grateful to have the time I need to grow into this new life.

So, friends, I'm ready to try some things.  Invitations for supply preaching are welcome, even if they will make me break out in a cold sweat at first.  It's time to go forward with the Lord.