Old and New

I listened transfixed yesterday to the Old Testament reading for the Festival of the Baptism of Our Lord.  "Here is my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my spirit upon him; he will bring forth justice to the nations...See, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth, I tell you of them."  I heard once again the invitation to return to my pastoral vocation in whatever fashion best serves the Church.  I was grateful for that reminder, and I pray that I will be allowed to serve the Church in some productive way in my new life.

The pastor reflected on our baptisms into Christ's death and resurrection and the identity we have as children of God through that baptismal covenant.  When he talked about identity, I became even more focused.  It is hard to figure out just who I am these days, with a life in such flux and transition.  The pastor reminded us of Luther's words from the Large Catechism about baptism.  Luther urges us in the midst of uncertainty and struggle and temptation to remember, "But I am baptized!"  Never have those words had more meaning for me than at this moment.

I thought about all the identities I have lost over the last two months--roles and positions and relationships that I will not have again in this life.  It has felt at many moments as if I have lost everything.  Of course, I have not, and I am so richly blessed in the midst of Anne's dying and all the disruption that has followed.  But sitting in the pew yesterday I was reminded of the one constant in all of this--that I am baptized into Christ's death and resurrection.  That gift, role, status, identity--that I cannot lose even when death has done its worst.  Through it all, I have remained God's beloved child in Christ.  The one identity that sustains all others in my life is there for good and all.

So today I cling to that sure and certain hope.  My life remains in flux, transition, and some measure of discombobulation.  That is as it must be.  The former things have been declared and are now taking their places in my past.  God is doing new things in my life every day.  I am moving into that newness with joy and hope, with fear and uncertainty, with trust and...more trust.  And I seek to embrace that newness.

It's in something as simple as relating to my nephews.  I spent time with my brother and his family over the weekend.  I've been enjoying new connections with my three Minnesota nephews over the past few weeks.  For a variety of reasons that hadn't been the case earlier in their lives.  I worked weekends.  Anne had a busy schedule as well.  My brother and his family have their own hectic lives.  Most of all, Anne was the one who kept track of birthdays and sustained relationships.  Now that buffer is gone.  It's up to me--unbuffered.

So here we are, nephews, face to face with no intermediary.  And it's been such fun--playing cards and watching movies, laughing till we cried with "fart in a can," getting and giving hugs.  On the one hand, I know this is happening because Anne is gone and no longer part of the relationship equation.  On the other hand, I am enjoying this new dimension of my life, this new thing that God is doing in me and through me.  That is a description of so much of my existence these days.  The price was Anne's dying.  The newness is thrust upon me.  I am glad to embrace that newness in the midst of the bittersweet memories.

So wonderfully complicated...