Today is our oldest son's birthday, and that has been difficult for me. The physicians talked about the pain in Anne's breastbone as "referred pain" that actually came from her damaged heart. I think I'm experiencing referred emotional pain as I hurt for sons who don't have their mom to chat them up on their birthdays. I have at some point at least the potential of a new relationship and someone in a space in my life similar to the one Anne occupied. The boys have lost their mom and that's that.
Anne loved to be a mother--LOVED to be a mother. She was a doting, attentive and thoughtful mom on birthdays, at Christmas, and at other times of the year (and every moment in between). I find that I'm not very adequate when it comes to being both dad and mom, and I guess that's not really the task. As in many families, Anne was the emotional link and buffer between the boys and me. Now that link is gone and we're renegotiating how that works. I have two great sons and they are helping to work this out. But it is new territory, that's for sure.
In addition, we are three men with our own agendas, work and plans. We have to really strive to cross paths with any frequency. And that doesn't come naturally. Anne was the glue of those connections, and we're searching for a new form of adhesive.
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