Being Forgiven

It is tempting to frame this part of the experience as my need to forgive myself. How can I let go of the regrets I feel for not having done more? How can I relinquish the guilt and shame I feel because I failed Anne so miserably (at least that’s how it feels sometimes)? What can it mean to “forgive myself” in this context? That’s an important question early in this process. If I cannot somehow deal with this question and the feelings that go with it, it is hard to imagine how I can move forward in a healthy way into the future.

Do I have the right to forgive myself? In fact, it is the person who was wronged who has the right to forgive, not the one who feels like the offender. Even in our life together, I asked Anne’s forgiveness over and over for those times when she came in second place to ministry and other priorities. She was so wonderful in her understanding, her patience and her partnership in ministry. She always forgave, and I knew that her words were genuine.

I think of those times now and know that she forgives me. I would be deceiving myself if I thought that everything I did in those last weeks was completely absent of selfishness and impatience. I’m so very human, and so I know there were times when I responded first to me and second to her. I also know I have her ongoing forgiveness and love in spite of my failings. If she can forgive me, who am I to do less?

It may be that I need God’s forgiveness to help me deal with my regrets and second-guessing and guilt. Yes, indeed, I ask for that forgiveness each and every day. And it comes even without my asking. I don’t take it for granted, but I also don’t doubt the reality of the Forgiving Love in Jesus Christ. Again, if God can forgive me, who am I to do less for myself?

In another book I reflected at length on this business of self-forgiveness. There I wrote, “Self-forgiveness really requires accepting and owning the new story that others have helped to write as they have forgiven me.” That’s what this is really about. I am a man who has lost his wife far too soon. That is what I am, but that is not all that I am. I am a man who wishes he could have done something, anything, to save her. But I couldn’t in spite of my very best efforts. That is what I am, but that is not all that I am. I am a man who now lives into a new reality, a new life, and even a new hope. That is the story I must write for myself from now to the day I die. It helps me to know that Anne would expect no less of me and perhaps is even allowed to help me write the background for the rest of the story.

In my book on forgiving and being forgiven, I wrote that “the challenge is integrating forgiving love into an autobiography where [we] are convicted sinners…Integration means telling the whole truth about oneself and accepting love from those who know the whole story and offer forgiveness anyway.” This is why the real path out of regret, self-recrimination and second-guessing can only be found in the words and hugs and support of others—most of all, those who know me and my story the best.

It helps that doctors and nurses said over and over again, “You did everything you could.” It helps even more to have trusted friends and family say to me over and over, “It was a terrible tragedy. You loved her so very much and did everything you could. She wants you to continue living in this new life.”

To preview a copy of my book on forgiving and being forgiven and/or to order online go to:
http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/1460298
Or you can contact me directly.  I have copies on hand as well.